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Words of Wisdom

Where Are Your Boundaries

February 2008

Have you ever in your life been offended by what someone else said to you?? Have you ever taken it to heart and felt just awful about it and then carried it around with you for a period of time?

You may take things personally because you have weak "internal boundaries." An internal boundary is self-talk or an invisible shield that prevents you from taking in a comment without first analyzing it for non-truths. For example, when someone accuses you of being stubborn, listen to what they are saying, stop and consider the statement and then decide whether or not that statement is true about you. Do this before you take it personally and are hurt by it.

You can use this shield especially with someone who is difficult to deal with like a critical friend or parent, or ex-spouse. You can then ask yourself the following:

• How much of this is true about me?
• How much of this is projected onto me from the other person?
• What do I need to do to take back my power or stand up for myself?

The last question is the hardest, and the most important. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you weaken your internal boundaries or shield. By avoiding conflict or confrontation, you make it harder for yourself to set boundaries at all. If someone upsets you, you may have to let them know in order to protect and reinforce your internal boundaries.

Know what your boundaries are. Make a list of boundaries so it is clear to you what they are, so then when one of them is crossed you can immediately recognize it and handle it appropriately.

• People may not _____! Example: People may not criticize me.
• I have a right to ask for _____! Example: I have a right to ask for help with the dishes after dinner.
• To protect my time and energy it is ok to _____! Example: To protect my time and energy it is ok to take time to sit and meditate and relax.

Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you have had weak boundaries in the past. People may not take you seriously right away. It is important, though, for you to continue and be true to yourself. You can use the following steps to set and enforce your boundaries.

• Have a talk with your partner or friend and let them know what they say that upsets you. Make sure you have someone you can talk to before and after any conversations. You may need some additional support.
• When in a difficult situation set your boundary using a firm and direct tone.
• Never justify why you are setting a boundary or what you boundary is. You never need to explain this. If you meet opposition, simply repeat your request.
• Take action! When setting boundaries it is important to take action, be strong and always win the battle. If you give up, you are teaching the other person how far they can push you before you give in.

Here is an example of what setting a boundary might look like:

"You do not have my permission to take your anger out on me, if you continue to shout, I will leave the room."

If the person continues shouting, simply turn around and leave the room.

If you have trouble setting boundaries and you have someone in your life who treats you unfairly, we can help!

The 8th Side Empowerment Coaching provides you with the support, resources, strategies and skills that help you find your power again. Go online http://www.the8thside.com or simply give us a call.

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